Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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