i permit you to call me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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