DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
