thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
