you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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