it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
