Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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