And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
