Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
