Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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