the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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