yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You can't motorboat a personality
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
