My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
