best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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