Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
