Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
