So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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