You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
