??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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