Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
