the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
