last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Still dying that you shit outside
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
