I faked an abortion last night.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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