remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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