I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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