Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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