GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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