next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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