i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
