I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
