I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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