she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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