Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
