Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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