it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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