I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
