Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
