I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
