Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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