the condom got lost in my hair
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
