listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
