oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
