We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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