I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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