Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
