Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
