Don't you send me to vm
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
