yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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