i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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