Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
