You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
