it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
